Tuesday, November 10, 2009

He Is Jealous For Me

Back in college I remember asking God a simple question: Teach how to love you.
As i was driving home from Sioux City Friday night, my engine light kicked on. Trying not to freak out I called up the male forces and was confirmed that yes I would be okay and no by car would not blow up on the freeway. After I got off the phone, tears began to well-up and I didn't know why I was crying! I wasn't scared or upset!!
I started pulling back the layers and discovered these tears were coming from a place deep inside. I discovered a door I didn't know existed inside me. The tip of my iceberg was feeling alone and vulnerable in the middle of nowhere with my car acting up. I dug deeper. I realized the iceberg itself and the tears stemmed out of desperation. I have not been feeling God's love and I am desparate for it. I felt like I was conning myself in feeling His love; convincing myself I felt--but actually didn't.
I had an overwhelming sense of feeling lost and incomplete. I realized I have been trying so hard to love myself and Jesus and as a result I have not been allowing Jesus' love to fill me. I was humbled at my meager ability of trying to out love Jesus. I fail so often yet Jesus continues to meet me in the middle of the messes I get myself in to and gently whispers "beloved you are mine". Lord, teach ME to LET YOU love me!