When I was in high school, there was a boy in my class who consistently told his little sister she was fat. And trust me, this gal was the furthest thing from fat! She hardly had an once of fat on her. Yet over time, she began to believe what she was being told and ended up with an eating disorder. To this day, I don't know what possessed the big brother to do that. Maybe it was control, insecurity or some other messed up tactic satan likes to use.
Since moving to Iowa, I've encountered a "big brother" of my own (not my real bother... but you get the drift). Over the past 6 years my "big brother" has slowly chipped away at pieces of me. Over time gaping holes have developed. Just like the sister began believing she was fat, I have stopped believing in my self. I've stopped believing I am a kind person. I stopped believing I am adequate and worth getting to know. My words have become twisted and used against me. I've come to believe I am better off hiding myself from people than exposing them to the insignificant, hollow and twisted person I've become.
This past week, my "big brother" swung a chip at both my husband and I. That ladies and gentleman - did me in. I've gotten used to the swings. As awful as they are, it's become normal for me. When the combo hit this week, it cut DEEP. I started to feel like Humpty Dumpty and wasn't sure if anybody could put me back together again. I hurt so bad.
Out of a very small and insignificant place, I sent an email to some family and close friends asking for help. I asked them to pray. To pray with me for peace in my situation, for quietness in my heart and for my confidence to be put back together.
After I sent out that message, I began to received emails and texts back. I was told I am not a horrible person. That I am kind. That I am being prayed for. Every. Single. Message. I cried. Because I can't believe those words for myself. I was completely humbled. There are people who see me as so much more than I can see myself.
Despite this brokenness, I have one feature about myself that runs pretty deep. When used right, it is a strength - I am stubborn. My stubbornness has helped my believe there is HOPE. There is hope because I believe in a Savior who promises to be my refuge and strength. Who promises to lift me up when I am weary. There is HOPE in chains being broken and strongholds being loosed. I serve a HUGE God. I can't handle the situation I'm in - but HE can.
One of the messages I received today said this.... "my hope is that God brings to light what needs to be brought into the light". I couldn't have said it any better; THIS is the prayer of my heart.
Deep down inside - I want to be alone. I don't want to let anybody else in. I don't want to hurt anybody else. I don't know if I can handle doing something wrong to them. And I don't want others to see me how I see myself. YET, even DEEPER STILL I know those are lies straight from the pit of hell. Does that mean a quick snap of the fingers and I'm not going to believe them? Probably not. But I will keep trying.
I am praying for LIGHT. Light is the absence of darkness. I need light in the dark places in my heart. I need light brought to this whole situation. I need light to shine on and in my "big brother". In the place we meet, in our interactions and in all those affected by it.
If you've made it to the end of this blog, I'm guessing you either know me or you've been able to relate to this story somehow. No matter your story, I pray you find a ray of HOPE. It may be small, but cling to it. Send a message to people to help you see it. And be stubborn enough keep looking when all seems to go dark.