Cabin in the Rockies

Brian and I just got back from one of the most relaxing vacations I think we've ever had.  We got a cabin nestled in the Rocky Mountains with a fire place as our television.  It was one of those trips where there wasn't pressure to get out and go see this, or go do that.... we could just BE.

In those moments of allowing ourselves to BE we were able to let down our walls.  To get away from the everyday hustle and bustle - to get out of the routines we put ourselves in.  And as we slowly unwound, our hearts calmed and we paused.

We drove up mountains, took hikes, watched nature and ate way too much salt water taffy.  We had heartfelt conversations and asked each other the hard questions people seem to keep asking us....  Are we going to have kids or not?  Are we going to build a house or a shop? Are we going to move somewhere else? Are we going to start another business? And you know what, we still don't have the answers. But WE DO KNOW where we are currently at is where we're supposed to be.

Our hearts have not been called out off the path we're on. Do we feel that might change? Absolutely! We can see God's hand guiding us to some "future change" .... and neither of us has a clue what it is going to be. But we do know it's not right now.

Brian and I celebrated our anniversary this past weekend too. November 13 marked 4 years!!!!  I can truly say that Brian makes me a better person.  He is so strong and grounded.  This year has been HARD for us.  There is no doubt about it... but through it all Brian has been my rock.  And I've been his at times.  The ONLY thing that has kept us going is HOPE.  Knowing and believing, no matter how hard we try, we're not going to make it.  But we always know God is going to get us through somehow.  And HE does! When one of us couldn't see the light of hope, the other has been able to.

Amidst all the hard questions, and salt water taffy consumption:) we took a few picture too.  Here are a few for you to enjoy....

Light In The Dark

When I was in high school, there was a boy in my class who consistently told his little sister she was fat. And trust me, this gal was the furthest thing from fat!  She hardly had an once of fat on her.  Yet over time, she began to believe what she was being told and ended up with an eating disorder.  To this day, I don't know what possessed the big brother to do that.  Maybe it was control, insecurity or some other messed up tactic satan likes to use.

Since moving to Iowa, I've encountered a "big brother" of my own (not my real bother... but you get the drift).  Over the past 6 years my "big brother" has slowly chipped away at pieces of me. Over time gaping holes have developed.  Just like the sister began believing she was fat, I have stopped believing in my self. I've stopped believing I am a kind person.  I stopped believing I am adequate and worth getting to know.  My words have become twisted and used against me.  I've come to believe I am better off hiding myself from people than exposing them to the insignificant, hollow and twisted person I've become.

This past week, my "big brother" swung a chip at both my husband and I.  That ladies and gentleman - did me in.  I've gotten used to the swings.  As awful as they are, it's become normal for me.  When the combo hit this week, it cut DEEP.  I started to feel like Humpty Dumpty and wasn't sure if anybody could put me back together again.  I hurt so bad.

Out of a very small and insignificant place, I sent an email to some family and close friends asking for help. I asked them to pray.  To pray with me for peace in my situation, for quietness in my heart and for my confidence to be put back together.

After I sent out that message, I began to received emails and texts back.  I was told I am not a horrible person. That I am kind. That I am being prayed for. Every. Single. Message. I cried. Because I can't believe those words for myself. I was completely humbled. There are people who see me as so much more than I can see myself.

Despite this brokenness, I have one feature about myself that runs pretty deep.  When used right, it is a strength - I am stubborn.  My stubbornness has helped my believe there is HOPE. There is hope because I believe in a Savior who promises to be my refuge and strength. Who promises to lift me up when I am weary.  There is HOPE in chains being broken and strongholds being loosed. I serve a HUGE God.  I can't handle the situation I'm in - but HE can.

One of the messages I received today said this.... "my hope is that God brings to light what needs to be brought into the light".  I couldn't have said it any better; THIS is the prayer of my heart.

Deep down inside - I want to be alone.  I don't want to let anybody else in. I don't want to hurt anybody else.  I don't know if I can handle doing something wrong to them.  And I don't want others to see me how I see myself. YET, even DEEPER STILL I know those are lies straight from the pit of hell.  Does that mean a quick snap of the fingers and I'm not going to believe them?  Probably not. But I will keep trying.

I am praying for LIGHT.  Light is the absence of darkness. I need light in the dark places in my heart.  I need light brought to this whole situation.  I need light to shine on and in my "big brother".  In the place we meet, in our interactions and in all those affected by it.

If you've made it to the end of this blog, I'm guessing you either know me or you've been able to relate to this story somehow.  No matter your story, I pray you find a ray of HOPE.  It may be small, but cling to it.  Send a message to people to help you see it. And be stubborn enough keep looking when all seems to go dark. 

Dream Come True

This past weekend, Brian and I drove out to Rapid City, SD and started a new "adventure".  We bought a pick-up camper!!!!  We did some touring through the Black Hills and Custer State Park.  Then settled in for the night at by the Pactola Reservoir and spent our first night camping (in our camper).

As we drove up to Pactola, I kept having flashbacks to the first time I drove past this lake.  It would've been spring of 2009 -- when I was moving from Washington State to Iowa. I started the long drive in the Pacific Northwest, picked up my cousin Hannah in Seattle and the two of us drove my packed-down little Corolla to the Heartland.  Along the way, we decided to jump off I-90 and hit up Mt Rushmore.  As we ventured down our little detour, I remember coming across this beautiful lake and thinking "I want to come back and camp here someday".  

 MARCH 2009

When Brian and I drove up to Pactola, I realized that THIS was the lake I saw 6 years ago with Hannah!!!!  I had not remembered the name at all.... but the setting was unmistakable.  My heart was captured by the beauty of the lake and scenery just as much this time as it was the first time. 

MAY 2015

Both experiences seem to be a launch point of sorts.  When I was moving to Iowa, I wouldn't have dreamed it would take me 6 YEARS to get back to that lake.  And 6 years ago, I wouldn't have imagined I'd be coming back with a HUSBAND and our very own pick-up CAMPER!  This weekend continued to affirm me that DREAMS DO COME TRUE.  They don't always come in the order we think they should or as fast as we'd like them sometimes; but they DO happen.  Even dreams that you almost forgot about and realized in the moment that it's become a reality.

I have a long list of places I'd like to take our little camper.  If I could, I'd drop everything right now and go travel... but alas, I know the timing is not quite right. It will happen one place at a time and maybe one day it will happen for a chunk of time.  I know I will find myself on future adventures and probably have some more unexpected dreams come true along the way. Looking forward to more #oordtadventures in the days to come.

Grandpa

March 26, 2012 - it was a bitter sweet day in the Franken household. It is the day my grandpa went to meet Jesus.  Today marks 3 years.  

I've been thinking about him a lot lately and remembering the legacy he built-up and left behind.  I can honestly say Grandpa was one of my hero's.  He was filled with passion, made prayer a priority and truly wanted MORE of Jesus each and every day.  He was not perfect by any means and is probably the most stubborn person I've ever know.  BUT he knew what he believed and overcame adversity on so many different levels.

I started this journey down memory lane a few weeks ago, as I was reading the book Unbroken. If you have not read the book (or watched the movie for you non-readers:), the book takes place in WWll and centers around men who were captured and placed in Japanese POW camps.  

My grandpa could've been one of the people written about in this book.  He was born and raised in Indonesia (back then it was called the Dutch East Indies) and became a captain in the Dutch Army.  During WWll he was captured and placed in a Japanese POW camp. He survived the hellish conditions and eventually immigrated to the USA a few years after the war was done. To the day my grandpa died he would not throw away any food.  

Growing up about 700 miles north of my grandparents, I would only get to see my them a couple times a year.  It may not have been often, but each time it was treasured.  My sister and I would share an upstairs room when we'd stay at grandma & grandpa's.  In order to get from that bedroom to the rest of the house, we'd have to walk through grandpa's office area.  A picture that is ingrained in my memory, is grandpa sitting by his desk EACH morning having quiet time with the Lord and praying.  On numerous occasions I would stop (being the inquisitive child I was), and ask him what he was doing!  He would ALWAYS take time to answer me.  9 out of 10 time he would say he was praying for each of his grandchildren - including me.  That we would love Jesus and marry someone one day who would love us and love Jesus too.  

My 6 year old brain soaked in what he said.  As the years went by, I would hear the same statement.  Soon, I was heading off to college and those words continued to stick with me.  I remember one point in college I was ready to throw in the towel on my faith.  I didn't understand why God had allowed some horrible situations to happen to me... I was angry and holding on by a thread.  I look back now and know without a shadow of a doubt that my grandpa's prayers helped get me through that time in my life.  I knew he was sitting at his desk every morning begging God to real me back in.  To shower unconditional love on me when I could hardly love myself. I am happy to say, I came out of that period in my life holding on.  My faith is strong and continues to grow.  Years later, I married an amazing man who was an answer to prayer - he loves Jesus AND me.

As grandpa aged, he started to have memory problems.  He would become frustrated a lot easier and would tell the same story over and over again.  But not once did he loose his faith.  He would beg God to take him home; to end his earthly suffering and be able to walk through the gates of glory.  As the years went by, his mind focused on heaven more and more.  If you would ask grandpa "how are you doing today?", he would lift up his hands, put them together (like you were going to place something in them) and reply by saying "you know what this means?" and it was the same answer every time "I'm in God's hands."

As I remember grandpa today, my heart is so full of joy.  I can see his smile and hear his laugh... I know, in the deepest parts of my soul, that he is having the time of his life worshiping with all the people and angels in heaven.  His legacy is living on.  His passion, his perseverance and even his stubbornness (unfortunately that gene runs super thick in the Franken blood).  

Thanks for all your prayers and loving me well Grandpa.  Today I am not able to go put flowers where you lay... but I hold you close in my heart and remember the hero you've always been to me. 

John Everett Franken 

June 6, 1921 - March 26, 2012

New Beginnings

Were to even begin.  The past few weeks have been like NO other in the Oordt household.  After 20 years of serving this community, a big chunk Oordt's Landscape Management went up for sale.  Last Monday, Brian and I sold the maintenance division of OLM.  Yep, all the lawn moving, landscaping, snow removal... it's all gone.  So what did we keep? We decided to specialize in just seeding and irrigation.

It has been a week of processing, saying goodbye and transferring stuff over.  Brian and I had been feeling God poke and prod us for the past couple years to sell, but every time we thought about it.... we got a "not yet" answer.  So we held on and kept plugging away.  The last 2 months we felt the confirmation to move forward. 

Countless people have asked Brian, "what are you going to do now?"  Well, to be bluntly honest, we have NO idea.  All we know is God said "now's the time", we listened and we'll see how HE provides.  Sure we're looking at different options, but nothing is set in stone. 

It's crazy to think, but in the midst of all the unknowns - we KNOW we're doing the right thing.  Is it easy letting go of everything? No.  Sure, somethings are easier than others BUT we have that special peace that surpasses all understand. And peace like that come from only one person - the Holy Spirit.  We know it's not just "the end" of an adventure, but it the start of a new one!

As we move forward into whatever the future holds, we ask you to keep us in your prayers.  That we would continue to seek the desires of God's heart more than our own.  That we would have the strength and discernment to make the best decision for us as a family. And that Brian would find fulfillment and passion in this new adventure. 

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

It Is Well

The last 2 weeks have been kinda crazy in the Oordt house.  We have some big changes around the corner. I feel as though my emotions have been on a constant roller coaster. One moment the anticipation is building and it's really exciting and the next I'm diving through twist and turns not knowing what to expect and feeling completely out of control.

The only constant I've had lately, is constantly being on my knees in prayer.  Praying Colossians 3 over and over again. For kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; that I would be able to wear LOVE and let PEACE rule in my heart.

I had Pandora on at work this morning, and the song It Is Well came on.  I just soaked in the words and let them speak to my heart.  Here are some of the lyrics: 

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

My prayer today, is that no matter what you're going through - that you're able to let your soul go and TRUST Jesus.  He knows what you're going through and he knows what the future holds.  He KNOWS what it's like to be on the mountain top and He knows what it's like in the valley.  As you fight for everything that is good and true and noble and right - may your eyes look UP and your mind know it WELL with your soul.

(Here is the full song if you want to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txg5nOIZYO8)

L.O.V.E

'Tis the season.  Love is in the air, romance is being commercialized and Valentine's is only days away.  In honor of this season, my digital verse of the day has been covering 1 Corinthians 13 all week. Today it was verses 4-5.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

I as read and re-read this passage, I was both convicted and humbled. When I read those few sentences, holes were BLASTED in the tainted picture of love I've created in my head. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but I'm pretty sure I FAIL to love well.    

I am not very patient. 
I can be downright mean. 
I get jealous.
I am stuck-up and think I am better than others. 
Rude - yep, you got. 
I am demanding and selfish. 
I get irritated way easier than I should. 
And I harbor feelings when I have been wronged.

I am such a sensitive person; probably more sensitive than most people realized. These truths shot straight to my heart. I started to feel awful.  My mind began to snowball.  I began telling myself I suck at loving those around me.  I began to ask, who am I to be loved in return?  My poor husband, why does he put up with such an unloving wife?!  The conviction was spreading thick over my heart and consuming my soul. 

As my mind started to spiral, God's grace caught me.  The spirit whispered "don't believe the lies".  I admit, I might be the opposite of what LOVE really looks like ... but I know the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and THAT is where my love comes from.  When I try to love on my own, my patience runs thin and my kindness runs out.  I fall flat on my face.  The ugliness of my human nature shows it's wretched faced.  BUT God's grace IS enough. 

In those moments of emptiness, if only I can look upward - my cup overflows.  Not because of anything I can muster-up or do, but because I call out to a faithful God who knows what TRUE LOVE is. A father who will shoot the devils lies back where they belong.  A savior who loves me unconditionally and call me his beloved child.  It is from that place of pure humility that I can love, and love well.

Jellyfish

I have this connection with Bridget Jones. For those of you who have never met Bridget, she is a thirty something single woman in London trying to make sense of her life.  She's plagued with awkwardness, struggles with her weight, her job and her many imperfections.
 

There's this one movie scene where Bridget is hanging out at a bar with some friends.  A lady she knows walks over and proceeds to have a "jellyfish" conversations with her. A "jellyfish" is a person who stings you repeatedly, all in the name of "just talking", "friendly concern" or even "non-actions". We've all had them – the person who wants to hurt you, but manages to wrap that giant "up yours" with a shiny bow and disguise it as meaning well.

I have one particular jellyfish in my life.  This morning proved to start out stinging.  Sometimes I think I'm just being over sensitive... and I know that's the case sometimes.  I also know it's not all the time.  Today, I wanted to crawl back in bed Jones style. Wallow in my wounds, bust open some ice cream and give up on every healthy eating habit I've tried to do this year. 

As much as I want to do that, I know I won't.  I know I will continue to press on.  To push past the stings and put my hope in something greater.  

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! (Psalm 43:5)

Something Old

It seems like every winter I get inspired to start writing again.  I think part of it is, I have a lot more down time so I'm looking for something to do.  Summer kicks in and I put all my energy into the craziness that proceeds.  It's a schedule I've grown used to, but I tend drop the ball on numerous things (this blog included) as summer survival mode kicks in.

A few weeks ago, I was inspired to start writing again.  This desire spurred up around some rather unfortunate circumstances, yet my heart seems to pour into words that somehow release tensions in my soul. 

The last week in November, a large tumor was discovered in my Dad's kidney.  Surgery was scheduled for the beginning of January to remove it... kidney and all.  Knowing this was no small deal, I bought tickets to go home and yes, the tumor was malignant. The big "C" word was confirmed. Everything in me despises the word cancer.  It's ugly. It's hurtful. And it takes life in horrible, devastating ways.  In Dad's case, the surgeon was confident he got all the cancer out. PTL. 

As I walked this journey with my parents, I began to send out daily updates to immediate family and close family friends.  At first I started writing due to pure demand.  People were wanting to know how my dad was doing; I didn't have the best phone plan while in Canada, so I jumped on the free wifi bandwagon and email it was.  

After about a week of sending update emails, I began to realize this "demand" had also become an outlet.  It reaffirmed this small connection I have with words.  I'm not saying I'm the best writer in the world... I'm not sure I would even classify my writing as good.  But I would call it heartfelt.  Writing has a way of capturing the thoughts deep in my soul that I'm not sure I verbalize well.  It is something I enjoy--when I take the time to do it that is:)

So here we are 4 weeks in to 2015; another 48 to go.  I flipped the calendar to a new month, and February felt like a new start.  Flipping the calendar is something I look forward to each and every month.  Simple pleasure.  I know.  I hope as you flipped your calendar this month, you were refreshed in some way, shape or form.  That you were able to take a small look at where you've been and press forward to something new.  Or, pick-up on something old and be inspired again.